I have learned a few things about pain in the past two and a half years. For example:

There is only so much pain that a human being can take. One day of intense pain takes a certain toll on the mind-body system. One hundred days of intense pain takes an exponential toll on the mind-body as each subsequent day, there are fewer resources for coping than there were the day before.

Different kinds of pain exact different tolls on the mind-body. Right now, I am coping with five kinds of pain, four of them due to unnecessary surgeries done to me by an ENT. I have facial pain, a deep insistent aching in my cheekbones and temples. This pain wears me down, on a daily basis, and makes me want to cry. Then there is the grating sense of tooth and jaw misalignment. It feels as if my face has been broken and left to heal in the wrong position. The aggravation is worse than ten thousand flies buzzing around my head. For this pain, I am continuously stifling a primal scream.  A third kind of pain is the irritating, bone dryness of my nose. To this pain, I feel an eternal sense of slavery, a never-ending spraying, oiling, irrigating, and moisturizing, done with a feeling of drudgery,  like tending a sick patient whom I do not even care for. The fourth kind of pain is tinnitus or ear ringing. Before I went to the ENT, I could not imagine anything worse. The ear ringing was, in fact, what led to the office of the ENT. The ear ringing would be an insistent reminder that I am not normal and can never again live a normal life if it were not for all the pain caused by the ENT which has forced this horrendous suffering into the background.

Another thing I have learned about pain is that the last people on earth who will show any sense of comprehension or sympathy for my suffering are doctors. Doctors do surgeries like this Caldwell-Luc on patients who go to them for ear ringing. Doctors somehow do not expect that drilling giant holes into the faces of asymptomatic patients will cause them any pain or future difficulties. If such patients present with horrific infections after being mutilated, their infections are denied by doctors or blamed on herbal or other natural remedies the patient may have used to try to heal them:Liars and Thieves Or the pain and infections may be blamed on a personality disorder. For example, I was accused of being histrionic: Personality Disorder. Have another look: Caldwell-Luc Should the term “histrionic” be placed beneath that photo? How about this: “This is the photo of a histrionic patient.” Certainly, the giant holes drilled into the patient’s face have nothing to do with subsequent infections, pain or crying.

Certainly, those massive holes drilled into my face have nothing to do with the pain and collapse of my face two and a half years later. Why, those holes would be the last thing that would cause any sort of pain or facial collapse. Those holes are a “medical procedure.” That stuff’s good for you. Just don’t get any honey anywhere near your face or your face might collapse and you might end up in horrible pain like me. You might become histrionic.

Six months after my face started melting and two oceans of tears later, I have an answer as to what is to be done for me: Drugs. I need lots and lots of drugs. My tooth and jaw misalignment are of no concern. There is no physical problem causing my pain. My pain is not related to the fevers, sweats and nausea that began at the same time. It’s not related to the ongoing collapse of my face or the misalignment of my teeth and jaws. Of course, it’s not. If it was, a doctor would be responsible and lots of doctors’ patient notes and medical decisions over the past two and a half years would appear questionable. Therefore, my pain and facial collapse have nothing to do with those holes drilled into my face. Or with the five antibiotic-resistant infections I’ve had in those holes since they were drilled. My pain and facial collapse have to do with a mental condition which I don’t yet have, but which is currently being arranged by the medical profession. It’s another “medical procedure” with another antiseptic name–it’s called “pain management” in the medical industry. Elsewhere, it’s called drug pushing. I am about to become a drug addict. And as everyone knows, you can’t believe anything a drug addict says.

A few years from now, those giant holes in my face won’t even be a footnote in my medical record, or it will be assumed that I drilled them into my face myself while high on airplane glue. And this is the worst kind of pain of all–The Lie that replaces who you are.

~ by ens3 on June 20, 2010.

One Response to “Pain”

  1. […] refused to touch me, and instead gave me a referral to the hospital school pain clinic, in my city. I refused to resort to pain medication and […]

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